Honestly


Okay, so I’ve started this post over and over and I kept trying to write as though there was nothing on my mind. No matter how I started this post, it just didn’t seem real and honest. So guys I’m going to be honest because there are a lot of thing I’m not honest about on here. For instance, names, my name isn’t Ivory like it says in my WordPress profile, and Luke’s name isn’t Luke. I censor names so that I can protect identities, but by doing so I’m lying about those names. I’d never make up anything about my life though, all the stories I tell you are true, I only censor names. However, occasionally I leave out details (not on purpose) I just forget that you guys don’t actually know me. So right now, I’m going to be painfully honest (painful for me).

I moved. I took my life and ripped it out of the house that I lived in for years and years and I just placed it into a new apartment. The reason for this is that my mom and stepdad split up. They didn’t get a divorce my mom just decided that she needed time to herself. She told me that she was miserable, and she wouldn’t want to see me that miserable so she figured that I would want her to do whatever she needed to make herself happy again. It’s true, I would do anything to make anyone happy. I can’t stand to see people upset. So we moved. Not far, just across town. I still go to the same school, not much has changed except my address. However, one more thing that has changed is my mom and dad. Not my stepdad either, my actual dad. He constantly tries to get me to move in with him, and he constantly asks what my mom is doing and how everything is and what her friends are doing. He wants to catch her being a bad mother so that he can tell the family court judge. He hates that we moved, not because he’s concerned about me, but because he hates having to face the extra ten minutes of traffic it takes to get to where I live now. You may think that that’s ridiculous, that’s because it is. But it’s true, every time he comes to pick me up he mentions the awful traffic and how because my mom decided to move she should be the one dropping me off at his house. Next, how my mom has changed. She’s more spiritual. Every day she puts a new quote on our chalkboard, she has decided that she wants to go to church every Sunday, and she just has a different air about her. Nevertheless, she doesn’t seem any happier. I’m honestly pretty numb right now, I don’t know how to feel. I did write something, I’m not sure if I’d call it a poem, but I’m going to share it with you in the next paragraph.

I’m no construction worker, but I was proud of the last project that I built. I poured blood, sweat, and tears into this project for years and years. When something went wrong or broke I could always fix it and most everything had a place. But yesterday I disassembled my project and watched as it was precariously shoved into a Ryder van that drove off. I watched my life’s work drive down the road until I could no longer see the massive red and white vehicle that stole my everything. The entire process took about twenty minutes. My entire life was just taken apart and moved in 1,200 seconds. That’s no time at all. I had built a life and it was just taken down and transported somewhere new. Somewhere that has no memories seeping out of every pore. A place where I’d never fallen down the stairs and given my mom a heart attack. Somewhere that I haven’t spent hours and hours practicing songs and perfecting my art. A place where I have never cried nor laughed. A place that means nothing to me whatsoever. For now.

Okay, I hope you enjoyed that haha. If you’re going through something similar or anything at all and you want someone to talk to, comment that and I’ll be here for you. Alright guys I have spent two days writing this, I have to post it now. I hope that you appreciate my honesty or that you think something when you read this. That’s my goal, I want people to think and feel something when they read my writing. Before I get too deep again, bye.

-adviceateleven

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First Day Worries and Woes


I’ve denied you guys this post for too long. However, it wasn’t all my fault, my internet was down so yeah. Also, I was in a desolate state. I was immensely depressed. (If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m trying to tell you that the first day sucked, on ice.) My hair looked great; as did my nails, makeup, and outfit. How I looked wasn’t the problem. I only have one class with Luke, only one class with Julie, and no classes with any of my other sisters. Plus I got the tougher English teacher. He’s going to make me a better writer, but I’m scared that in the process I’ll lose my deep love for writing. I don’t want that to happen. My other teachers aren’t the best either. My science teacher is “by the boo” as she says. However she’s too by the book, she’s all work no fun. My Spanish teacher babies us like we’re in fifth grade Spanish instead of eleventh (I skipped a grade in Spanish). My social studies teacher is okay, she isn’t great, she doesn’t suck. My math teacher is chill, I actually really like him, he’s a “go with the flow, just do the work and we’ll be friends” kind of guy. My chorus teacher is the same one I had last year, she’s eccentric, but I love her even if she does have an unnatural amount of energy in the morning. She’s also my music theory teacher (she has unnatural energy at the end of the day as well). 

This reminds me, I have homework for music theory that I’d like your guys help on. In your opinion, is music an art or a science?? Leave a comment or send me an email with your viewpoint.

Alright, now next order of business is my latest vocabulary update. You may have perceived how I’ve been scattering more advanced terms throughout the course of this post. Well, my English teacher said something that inquired my interest. “There’s always a better word,” how true!! Admit it, on how many occasions have you said a mediocre word when you could have, should have used a more appropriate word?? If you’re like me the answer is often. I wish to use superior words, therefore I will make it a point to do so. Let’s face it, the internet gives the choice to be whatever you want, why choose to be stupid?? 

-adviceateleven

No Title


Sometimes life just sucks. At the moment my milestone thing says that I will be going camping tomorrow, well it’s wrong. I didn’t really want to go camping in the first place. DOn’t get me wrong here, I love camping, but honestly, my brothers would’ve been off riding there bikes the whole time, my dad and stepmum would’ve done their own thing, and then I’d be left all alone. (Like always). Well tomorrow I have an orthodontist appointment and Wednesday I have voice lessons. My dad made the ortho appointment so he admitted that it was his fault he forgot. However, my voice lessons have been scheduled for three months and I’ve only known about the camping trip for two weeks. My dad says that he has no way to get me to the voice lessons and I should just miss them. Lessons are $60, I can’t reschedule and no refunds. My dad thinks that he can just talk to my teacher and she will understand. However me and my mum have a contract with her and we both know that she does not need to be involved in this and that she will tell my father that we can not reschedule. My father is too freaking pig headed to either understand that I can’t go camping with him or to just leave the campground for two hours to drive and get me then drive back.
He’s not the greatest father, but to be honest my mother isn’t the greatest either. Sigh, it may be a dysfunctional family but I guess It’s my dysfunctional family. Well before I cry or something worse I have to stop thinking about this. I’ve already pulled out some of my hair….. Man sometimes I feel so broken, so messed up. I’m a healthy 14 year old girl with trichotillomania, a tremor in my right hand, chronic migranes, panic and anxiety attacks. Not to mention How often I’m depressed. I guess it could be a good thing that I’m so messed up, because of it I want to help people. I want to make sure people don’t end up like me, broken because of something that they can’t control.

I guess this post is going to be another one about depression. The last time I talked about depression (the post started out with the quote “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go”)  I told you guys that I have trichotillomania, and while it’s a disease it’s also a form of self hurt. What I didn’t tell you is that pulling my hair out isn’t the only thing I’ve done. I’ve snapped rubber bands on my wrist until I bled, I gave myself friction burns that would last for days, I’ve starved myself just to feel like I was wasting away, I’ve even dehydrated myself just for the fun of it. Oh yeah and I’ve done my fair share of cutting. No one ever noticed when I did these things to myself. Eventually I told Luke, he helped me stop. Now there is a point to this story, I don’t want you guys to feel bad for me or anything, I just want you to have living, breathing proof that you can overcome anything. I’m still not ready to share what has made me do all those terrible things, but it doesn’t matter. I used to think I had reasons to do that. I thought that my life sucked enough that I had permission to hurt myself. No matter what you’re going through, it’s not okay nor does it help, to harm yourself. There is nothing that you could go through that would make it okay to hurt yourself. Honestly, once you start doing all those things the little things become “bad” enough to hurt yourself. Like at first maybe you say you’re only going to cut this one time because you were picked on today, but then you get picked on again, so you cut again. Eventually, you get so used to running back to the blade that little things seem like they are bad enough to cut over. But nothing is actually bad enough to self harm over. Basic moral of all this, is that self harm just isn’t worth it. There is no reason you should be dragging a knife across your wrist, or sticking your hand in the flames, or skipping meals, or “forgetting” to drink anything that day so you can feel dizzy. You get the point by now I hope, if not, message me. I set up an email for this thing (adviceateleven.gmail.com). And just a reminder, I love you guys
-adviceateleven ❤

Future


Okay so I’ve been thinking about the future a lot lately. Specifically I’ve been doing a great deal of research on collage. Collage looks scary, extremely scary. I even took this quiz on what collage would be best for me. (I’ll post a link for the quiz at the bottom of this post) The top three collages for me are 1.) University of Oregon 2.) University of California- Berkeley 3.) University of California- Los Angeles. I’ve been looking at the websites for those collages and I honestly think Berkeley is the best for me. I’m so serious about looking for collage that I told my mum about the quiz and my results. She told me that Berkeley sounds like a perfect match for me. However, we don’t live in California, and California residents pay a significantly less amount of tuition. My mum was even talking about moving me to California 6 months before graduation so we can get the discount. So now you can kinda see why I’m scared about collage. I mean moving?? I don’t want to move before I graduate. Well, don’t let my story scare you. Go to your school counselor for help with collage, that’s their job. From now on, I’m going let my counselor help me. And just a piece of advice, do not look at collage websites alone. Collage websites make me dizzy. Well, that’s about all I wanted to say for now until next time,
-adviceateleven
http://www.selectsmart.com/bestcollege/