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Sometimes life just sucks. At the moment my milestone thing says that I will be going camping tomorrow, well it’s wrong. I didn’t really want to go camping in the first place. DOn’t get me wrong here, I love camping, but honestly, my brothers would’ve been off riding there bikes the whole time, my dad and stepmum would’ve done their own thing, and then I’d be left all alone. (Like always). Well tomorrow I have an orthodontist appointment and Wednesday I have voice lessons. My dad made the ortho appointment so he admitted that it was his fault he forgot. However, my voice lessons have been scheduled for three months and I’ve only known about the camping trip for two weeks. My dad says that he has no way to get me to the voice lessons and I should just miss them. Lessons are $60, I can’t reschedule and no refunds. My dad thinks that he can just talk to my teacher and she will understand. However me and my mum have a contract with her and we both know that she does not need to be involved in this and that she will tell my father that we can not reschedule. My father is too freaking pig headed to either understand that I can’t go camping with him or to just leave the campground for two hours to drive and get me then drive back.
He’s not the greatest father, but to be honest my mother isn’t the greatest either. Sigh, it may be a dysfunctional family but I guess It’s my dysfunctional family. Well before I cry or something worse I have to stop thinking about this. I’ve already pulled out some of my hair….. Man sometimes I feel so broken, so messed up. I’m a healthy 14 year old girl with trichotillomania, a tremor in my right hand, chronic migranes, panic and anxiety attacks. Not to mention How often I’m depressed. I guess it could be a good thing that I’m so messed up, because of it I want to help people. I want to make sure people don’t end up like me, broken because of something that they can’t control.

I guess this post is going to be another one about depression. The last time I talked about depression (the post started out with the quote “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go”)  I told you guys that I have trichotillomania, and while it’s a disease it’s also a form of self hurt. What I didn’t tell you is that pulling my hair out isn’t the only thing I’ve done. I’ve snapped rubber bands on my wrist until I bled, I gave myself friction burns that would last for days, I’ve starved myself just to feel like I was wasting away, I’ve even dehydrated myself just for the fun of it. Oh yeah and I’ve done my fair share of cutting. No one ever noticed when I did these things to myself. Eventually I told Luke, he helped me stop. Now there is a point to this story, I don’t want you guys to feel bad for me or anything, I just want you to have living, breathing proof that you can overcome anything. I’m still not ready to share what has made me do all those terrible things, but it doesn’t matter. I used to think I had reasons to do that. I thought that my life sucked enough that I had permission to hurt myself. No matter what you’re going through, it’s not okay nor does it help, to harm yourself. There is nothing that you could go through that would make it okay to hurt yourself. Honestly, once you start doing all those things the little things become “bad” enough to hurt yourself. Like at first maybe you say you’re only going to cut this one time because you were picked on today, but then you get picked on again, so you cut again. Eventually, you get so used to running back to the blade that little things seem like they are bad enough to cut over. But nothing is actually bad enough to self harm over. Basic moral of all this, is that self harm just isn’t worth it. There is no reason you should be dragging a knife across your wrist, or sticking your hand in the flames, or skipping meals, or “forgetting” to drink anything that day so you can feel dizzy. You get the point by now I hope, if not, message me. I set up an email for this thing (adviceateleven.gmail.com). And just a reminder, I love you guys
-adviceateleven ❤

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Sigh


Okay, I’ve already posted something today, but I’m extremely depressed right now, so I need something to distract me. I haven’t posted a poem in a while, so I guess that’s what I’ll do. This poem is a very rough draft, so please no hate, but any ideas and what not would be appreciated. the poem is called Soar.

Soar

I am a bird

Don’t cage me,

Clip my wings,

Cut my beak

So I can’t sing

Broken winged

I fight

For my life

For my right

To take flight

To one day join my flock

To stop the clock

Because I don’t have time

I don’t have freedom

I have wonder

My feathers black and dull

Are as beautiful as my chime

The tune I croon

Bittersweet and sorrowful

Cry till I smile

Sing till I drop

Wake and sleep

Sleep and wake

Until I just sleep

When my wing heals

And I find flight

No one can stop me

From facing judgement

Today

Tomorrow

What is time to me

But wasted

Wasted on you

Wasted on the meaningless beauty

That we praise

 Wasted on the silky oil

Consuming me

Whispering how

I can’t change

How I don’t fit

In the silver box

My friends worship

And my foes reside

Where I live I wake to water

Clear and pure

Gentle hands cleansing

My wounded heart

With its wobbling beat

Barely pumping

In its wake

The liquid crystal leaves me

The real me

Black veil pulled back

Camouflaged in color

Shattered in pieces

But breathing

Broken

But beautiful

Maybe its not today

Maybe I have time

Just look how I shine

In this moment

I am timeless

I’ll never go out of style

So I guess I’ll stay

But only for a while

I’ve got other places to be

Alright, that’s all for now. I hope you enjoyed this poem. Bye.

-adviceateleven