This week my step-grandmother passed away. She had been in the hospital for several days suffering from seizures, and they had to keep her sedated. She didn’t know that she was dying, but she wasn’t frail. People told me to be strong and to give her happy thoughts but why wish me the strength that she desperately needed?? Those days where she was in the hospital barely clinging on to a small strand of life she needed the strength people told me to keep. In a heart beat I would’ve given her my strength if I could’ve because in the last moments of her life she needed it, and that’s also when she needed it to be all about her. It wasn’t. It was all about everyone who knew her. No one began telling stories of her life while she was still her. No one gathered in her honor to show her that she was important and would be missed if she left us. No one gave her strength. Everyone, myself included, greedily hung on to her memory with the delusion that she could push forward from this. Everyone acted as though nothing were wrong because they wanted to pretend that this was just a hiccup in her life. However, now that the delusion has been shattered people gather. Now that it’s too late everyone honors her and shares their precious memories of her beautiful life. Only now do people acknowledge that she has slipped away. Today I’ll be going to her services to stare down at her lifelessness and pray that she has found something beyond life. Today I will hear countless stories of her. Stories of her beauty and of her strength and of her generosity and of her life. My only question is, where the hell was all of this when she was still alive and needed it?? Now that she is gone what will a service in her memory do?? None of this will bring her back so why do we bother?? This funeral is not for her. It’s for those who are still here that were touched by her in some small way. Again I ask what the hell that is going to do for her?? Excuse my language, but I just don’t understand why this all is necessary. Knowing my grammy she wouldn’t want all this. She hated people worrying about her, she made is her job to be concerned about others. This funeral has very little to do with her, and that’s saddening.
Anyway, I’ll write again soon.